Change

Change is one of the very few constant things we have in life. We are always changing and becoming new versions of ourselves and that’s one of the healthiest things we can do. I went through things a few years ago that completely changed me as a person and for the longest time I was trying to “find my old self” or figure out who I used to be and become that girl again.

On my drive to work this morning the world is gray and a bit foggy and it is snowing the most perfect kind of snow. Small, fluffy, balls of white cold are floating down from the sky and although the sky is dreary the snow brightens it up. As I drive, the same old line of a song plays and for the first time in years I feel like I do not relate to it anymore. The lyric is something along the lines of  I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it, and I used to cringe at the way that line hit me every single time I would hear the song on the radio. But this morning is different and I no longer feel the same. Like I said, for so long I wanted to be my old self and I was so upset/frustrated/mad that I couldn’t find the girl I used to be. This morning it changed. Something went off in me and I decided that I do not want to be that girl anymore and I am actually glad I haven’t found her. I used to be so sheltered (my own doing) and afraid of becoming my own person. I would lie awake at night thinking about all of the things I did wrong that day, the words I should have said or things I should have done better. I lived a life out of fear and was in a marriage with someone who only put me down both physically and mentally. I was nothing more than a shell of a person who was very afraid, very alone and I hid it extremely well. On the inside I  was so unhappy, stressed and depressed but no one knew that because I never would speak up. 

So why would I want to ever find that old me again? Because it was my comfort zone, and even though it was a miserable place to be I felt there was no way out so I stayed and made peace with who I was and I accepted myself that way.

This morning, hearing the song, I am happy that I no longer feel that way. What I realize now is that I am a totally different woman and I have learned a lot from when I was 18 years old to now being almost 24. The experiences that I went through did change me. This morning is the first time I have realized that the change was necessary in surviving and growing. I love who I am today and I don’t just say it because I can’t find my old self. I say it because I do not want to find my old self anymore. I am much stronger and more confident in myself than I have ever been. I am not ashamed to say I am an intelligent woman or a woman who doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone. I know what I want and I will never settle for less. I will never let anyone tell me that I am not good enough or that I am meant to be a stagnant creature of habit. I have the best fiancé in the world and a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I am who I am today because of the obstacles I have gone through and I love waking up in the morning to the person I have become. This morning, driving to work, I have realized that I am finally whole again. All of the missing pieces to myself were really never missing…they were changing as I was growing as a person. I am finally the woman I want to be…for now. I do hope that I continue to grow as a person. Because like I said, change is a vital part of life, and I intend to embrace each and every single day.

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